When she was younger, she loved him for his body, and for her body. In a cloud of hormones lit by bolts of giddy neurons, in the freshness and chaos and newness of everything, everywhere, inside and out, she saw him glowing, gilded, in gauzed light. She saw depths of soul and boundless strengths, in him and in herself. When she took him inside herself, she knew a kind of melting and merging with the universe; in this most earthy act, she felt otherworldly. And if he made some unworthy remark afterward – something crass, prosaic, juvenile – she would hear but not register it, letting her comprehension glance away, to keep the myth intact. He didn’t always do this, of course; sometimes as she lay with her head on his chest, he’d struggle to find words to express the higher feelings coursing through him, something far beyond his eloquence, perhaps beyond the reach of any language. That these too were banalities, stitched together from threadbare clichés, didn’t matter to her. She translated his words into the unutterable flow of feeling around them in the moment, their spent bodies pressed together, his hand brushing back her hair.
“I don’t get the shiver as often as I used to. The semi, quasi (pseudo?) epileptic spasm that re-sets my psyche, restores it to its more natural state, after a particularly acute attack of the strange mental ailment that has accompanied me for many decades, for the whole of my adult life. The shiver comes so rarely now that when it happens, I’m startled by the sudden memory of how often it used to serve me, help me, restore me for a time. And even further, by the memory of how it used to come even before the onset of my mental ailment, how it was once an integral, secret, precious aspect of my essential, healthful nature. In those days, it came not as a solace or restorative, but as a piercing, heightened sense of being, as a … I honestly can’t describe it. But I do think those early instances were similar to accounts I’ve read of the intense feelings of well-being, connection and transcendence that some people with epilepsy experience just before a fit. It was never so cosmic as, say, Dostoevsky describes, and it was never followed by the pain and anguish of an actual epileptic fit. But this is the closest I can come to describing what I experienced – and, in the rarest moments, still experience. Nowadays, given the high and persistent level of mental anguish caused by the affliction, the energy of the shiver, when it comes, is taken up almost entirely with simply getting me back to something resembling an even keel in the most ordinary way; there’s not enough energy left in it to elevate me to a higher plane, as in my younger days. Still, I’m grateful that it has not entirely abandoned me.” Pencil sketch.
art and text ©2019 by Chris Floyd
Pencil sketch, digital paint.
“Louise Goulding. Parisian TV presenter and celebrity whose career took a strange turn after what she called ‘a vastation’ that overwhelmed her one night as she was hosting a panel show on travel. In the middle of a sentence, she stopped, got up and walked off the set. Eschewing public life, she devoted herself to poetry, and to various forms of meditation, hoping to discover ‘the meaning of this dislodgement that came upon me.’ Derided at first by the French intelligentsia, she eventually came to be regarded as a serious thinker and writer. She died of bone cancer in 2003, at the age of 54. The poem below was found among her papers after her death.
‘Don’t say soul:
You lack the long breath
deep-running vigorous line
Say only: ghost
“‘You say I betrayed the Party? I did worse than that: I betrayed the Revolution. I betrayed the Revolution when I embraced the bureaucratism of the General Secretary and helped build a whole new ruling class to oppress the workers and peasants. I betrayed the Revolution when I accepted the General Secretary’s anti-Marxist, anti-Leninist formulation of socialism in one country. I betrayed the Revolution when I stayed silent as the General Secretary purged the Party of those who made the Revolution. I betrayed the Revolution when I signed denunciations I knew to be untrue. I betrayed the Revolution in every moment of my service to this reactionary, counter-revolutionary faction of sycophants, self-seekers and traitors to the People. I have been a willing part of the General Secretary’s faction and I am justly condemned for all its crimes – though not for the ludicrous charges in your indictment. So do your worst, and I will see you all, every one of you, including you, Dzhugashvili, in hell.’ Closing statement of Grigory Ivanov, former Commissar of Light Industry, at his show trial in Moscow, 24 December 1938.” Pencil sketch.
“Darla Deveraux (Debbie Nozinski). Although she started out in bit parts as a ‘leggy blonde’ in comedies by Fatty Arbuckle and others, Deveraux was soon discovered by the great Swedish director, Victor Sjöström, after his arrival in Hollywood. He encouraged her to work in Europe, where she had notable success in films by Ernst Lubitsch, F.W. Murnau, Robert Weine and others. In one extraordinary interlude, she traveled to the Soviet Union where she appeared in ‘By the Law’ (По закону) by the director-theorist Lev Kuleshov, one of the creators of montage. Her return to Hollywood in the 1930s after the advent of the ‘talkies’ met with limited success; however, she later drew on her experiences with Kuleshov to become a noted film theorist, with a number of academic publications to her credit. She was awarded an honorary doctorate by UCLA in 1965.” Pencil sketch, digital paint.